toy [toi]: noun

1. an object, often a small representation of something familiar, as an animal or person, for children or others to play with; plaything.

In the early days, toys for children were simple sticks and rocks, and the rules of the game were simple. You would use the rocks and sticks to beat your neighbour into submission and steal his food / animals / girl from him. In fact, when I was in primary school, every afternoon was spent out in the bush playing with sticks and rocks. My friends, sister and I had found a cave in the bush that we claimed as our own, and then spent the next three years defending our 'turf' from the Smith family kids down the street. By defend we mean we rolled boulders down the hill at them, hit them with sticks and threw stones as hard as we could at them.

Then the whole 'play should be safe' mantra began to emerge, and all of a sudden it was considered irresponsible parenting to allow your children to maim, damage and cause serious bodily harm to that boy down the street with the fancy shoes. Toys became purely about entertainment.

So now we have a multi billion dollar industry dictated by the toy makers. Children's toy makers have one primary purpose in life. To make products that entertain our children in ways that we, as parents are purely too lazy to do. Sometimes they take drugs. I shall explain...

Gepetto the toymaker...

Now, Gepetto seems like a nice safe toymaker... spending his days whittling away on lumps of wood with his carving tools. Harmless right?

WRONG!

Would you trust the care of your children to a man that spends his days alone in his workshop carving imitation children? The sick sick Gepetto decided he was lonely, and rather than craft himself a cute Anne Hathaway or hot Miranda Kerr wooden look-alike, he decided that his purposes were much better suited by crafting a small wooden boy.

To make it simple for you, think of it this way... Gepetto = Gepetto = sounds like pedo = PEDEOPHILE. You know it makes sense.

Monkey Vagina play...thing...

Now, I have posted about the Monkey Vagina play thing here on lifeofsuch before... but it bears repeating.

What toy designer overlooks something like this? Answer: The one who was in the corner of the room puffing away on his crack pipe during the toy design briefing meeting. He was too busy scratching his arms to take notes.

"The MONKEY BITS 2000! is guaranteed to provide endless hours of fun for children of all ages! Either jump on the monkey's log, or get down on your hands and knees and clamber in between the monkey's legs for hours or even minutes of monkey related pleasure time!

The MONKEY BITS 2000! is non-toxic, and comes in a wide variety of colours shapes and sizes, and is fully customisable depending on the individual clients needs and/or desires. To use your brand new MONKEY BITS 2000!, simply wash for hygiene purposes, and using a large industrial fan, blow on the monkey's log until firm."

The Horny Hulk

No explanation necessary. It's all in the picture.

"You're making me angry!.... Baby don't Stop!"

The amputee doll.

When have you ever walked into a shop, and had your child grab your arm in excitement, look up at you with eyes full of anticipation and wonder and say "Mummy, I want the doll with the Stumps." That's right. Never. Which is why this toy is such a stupid idea.

The stump doll, because nothing brings your kids back to earth like a cold hard dose of painful reality.

Mummies new favourite Toy.

Which brings me to my final wrong toy. This I found the other week while Christmas shopping. I dubbed it the "New Tickle Me Elmo for Lonely Mums". I have a sneaking suspicion that giving your kid this gift this Christmas meant that you are about 10 seconds away from the cops at your door Gepetto. Either that, or you bought it for your wife. Its a gift that Mummy will love again and again. JUST PLAIN WRONG.

To all the designers out there. Say no to drugs.