December 2008 Archives

Will : So how is Filo land?

Roz : It's different... I love the people but miss Australia badly. Everyone's bad drivers here... they don't follow road rules. Seriously, no joke!

Will : Ha, you'd fit right in! Admit it!

Roz : No! I'm a great driver, even though I'm Asian!

Dear Santa,

Thankyou for the two pairs of underpants and the Toblerone bar you left for me on Christmas day. I really appreciated melting and smearing the chocolate to the inside of the underpants and then hiding them under the Christmas tree for the family to discover later in the day.

They thought that it was a "totally awesome" practical joke and actually used the words "Will, you are a humour demi-god, teach us oh master" thought it was really immature.

Santa, perhaps you accidentally gave the two lifelike chimpanzee dolls to my sisters by mistake... or as is more likely the case, you were punishing me for stealing all of my brothers presents from under the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and hiding them up in the attic. Which doesn't really make sense to me Mr Santa, because my family FOUND the presents up in the attic, and decided that leaving them there and playing a joke on my brother on Christmas day was the best option.

He nearly cried sitting on the couch with nothing but a dvd or something stupid while the rest of us had to make piles of all our random presents and stuff.

So Santa... thanks for being fair in dealing out your presents and stuff... if I catch you stalking around the house next year on Christmas Eve, rest assured that I am going to punch you in the baby-maker. Hard.

Christmas is a time for giving lots of love and sharing,
And eating food, getting drunk fat, pretending to be caring,

But lets be honest here today, I'm not quite the 'caring' type,
I hope I don't meet Santa, cause I'm being bad tonight!

You know I'll take a mile if you give me just one inch,
And tonight I'll take your presents cause I am the Christmas Grinch!

While all the house is sleepin' I'll be sneakin' up the stairs
And nicking off with all your gifts, books, socks and under-wears.

Anything that's boxed and wrapped, I'm totally up for stealing,
Which is fortunate as luck would have it, I'm full up with Grinchy feeling

Once I have all of those gifts bundled up in my possession,
I will hide them one and all, to cover my indiscretion!

And as the children wake and rise and run out to the Tree,
They won't find any Christmas gifts, only the Grinchy me.

I'll laugh and point at their teary eyes, and take some happy snaps
But all their tears wont mean they get their presents back.

So while tonight, you are tucked into bed soundly a-sleepin'
I will be up and out stealing, Grinching and a-sneakin'

And if you don't believe me, I'll be posting photo's soon,
Of our lovely Christmas Tree, but otherwise present-empty room.

I'm not much of a writer, but if I could write,
I'd write something great for you this Christmas Eve night,

I'd warn you all to keep those little presents out of sight,
because as much as I love you all, the Grinch is out tonight,

So keep yourselves nice and safe from that evil Christmas Sprite,
Keep the teddy close beside you, and your blankets tucked in tight

If I could find the words, I'm sure that I just might,
Say Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...

1. nerd quotient
1. Refers to the level or degree of one's nerdiness.
2. The female companionship factor is directly and negatively influenced by increase in nerd quotient.
3. If used in conversation, one's nerd quotient automatically skyrockets.
1. An exponential increase in your nerd quotient has occurred!
2. Steve West is boosting his nerd quotient by +6 by editing Wikipedia articles.
3. Bob: "I stand undefeated at DDR! Wow, I'm really upping my nerd quotient, huh?"

So, why the nerd quotient explanation? I came across a video on news.com.au today, about a new "fembot" that has been created by some form of uber-super geek who obviously didn't have an internet connection, because of course, if the uber-super geek had an internet connection, he would have been too busy playing world of warcraft or editing wikipedia articles to create anything at all.

Late one night, while his internet connection was broken, the uber-super geek realised that he was so very very alone, and had an idea... He would set out to create the worlds most realistic 'fembot', a life-like female robot that looks real, can move and speak, and even respond to commands and touch.

While this sounds like a great idea (and I am sure all you low level nerds would agree), this particular uber-super nerd destroyed his own dream due to his 'nerd quotient'. If you watch the video, you might understand what I mean, but without giving away too much, let me explain with the following explanation.

1) Normal guy.......................................gets the girl.

2) Geek................................................doesn't.

3) Super Geek......................................creates robotic female companion.

4) Uber-Super Geek.............................creates robotic female companion that is so smart she rejects his own physical advances and physically pushes him away and voices her disapproval.

And the video...

For those that cannot see the above video, click here.

Seriously, you just got +36 on your nerd quotient, but a -100% chance of getting action... Oh, and you are also this months LOS stooge of the month.

Today I walked past a cake shop, and saw a little chocolate cake with a sign reading "flour-less chocolate cake". And I walked on, and about 2 hours later thought to myself...

"Wouldn't a flour-less chocolate cake just be called... chocolate?"

I know it's been a long time since I have written anything stupid or offensive, and I feel like I'm getting a little bit soft around the edges, so it is time once again to put on my textual boxing gloves and do some unleashin' of sorts....

My website has been down for a while now. In fact, it has been gone for exactly 4 months. And in that 4 months I have been literally inunndated with two messages of support asking as to when my site will be coming online. Well, the fact is my old site lifeofsuch.com is currently STILL offline, thanks to retard monkeys and bastard pirates.

Monkeys and Pirates. Lets start with the retard monkeys at spiderhosts.net. My domain name was up for re-registration, so I did what all good people do, and paid. Unfortunately, after paying the monkey company to have my domain renewed, they failed to renew it. I think they spent the money on monkey whores and bananas. So my domain was expiring, and I couldn't re-register it until it was totally expired.

SO, I tried another reputable domain registrar service and put my original domain on backorder, expecting them to automatically re-register my domain once it became available mid september, only to have some other bastard pirate sail in and steal it from me! I don't know if the monkeys traded them my domain name for crack, or tie-died sarongs, but now the domain is in the hands of pirates who run stupid advertising ads on it and attempt to ransom the domain back to me for a large fee.

Would you believe the domain squatting monkey drug paying pirates want US$2500 for my domain? Thats over $3500 Australian!!

To be honest, I'm kinda proud that something I made up in my head is apparently worth that much money to some angry geek in a dorm room somewhere, alone and single and in need of a shower. But I wouldn't pay $3500 for my domain name even if it came with a free Pamela Anderson.

...but hey, I'm willing to negotiate... maybe if they throw in a free Jessica Biel?

Anyways, I'm back, and now the new domain name is.... THElifeofsuch.com.