I like to break jobs down into little pieces. When I am at work, I break my day down into a series of tasks that need doing, like morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and second afternoon tea. If I am cleaning, I break the monster task down into smaller less monster sized tasks and then avoid each one of those tasks like I avoid shaking the hands of teenage boys after they have come out of the bathroom.

Basically, I do things in small half measures.

So it is no surprise that when I talk about my New Years Eve experience, I will also break it down into smaller bite sized stories, to tease the whole experience out and make sure I actually have something mildly amusing to write about over the next week. Or two weeks, depending on how much I forget to write.

So where were we.... oh yes. Fat, naked and wet on New Years eve.

Now, when you think of a nice quiet NYE BBQ on the beach you don't automatically remember to include loud noisy teenagers wearing no clothes. Well, maybe you do... I do not. So for a moment, put yourself in my position, and imagine you spent your NYE only a few feet away from a teenage party, where one of the larger members of that party insists on running around with a shirt on, and constantly twitch and wiggle.

To be honest, I don't know if he was twitching and wiggling on purpose, or if he was just suffering the negative effects of momentum from standing up a whole two minutes earlier, but there were parts on that teenage boy that were still shaking like jelly long after he had stopped moving.

Inevitably, the more he drank, the louder he became, and the more insistant he was that once it hit Midnight, everyone should remove all their clothes and promptly run into the water. Sure, it sounds like fun for those teenagers, and maybe even for the local greenpeace activists who would have wrapped him in wet towels and kept hosing him down until they could send him out to sea, but I for one did NOT want to see naked overweight males running around the beach while I am trying to eat sausages. It is just not fun.

So the inevitable countdown takes place, and the jelly boy is leading the charge into the new year...

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

(Jelly Belly gets up yelling and jumping)

"Yeah... Come on Guys lets go!!"

(Jelly Belly removes jeans and is now naked)

"Yeah... lets go... starkey swimming with the sharks!! Yeah!!!"

(Jelly Belly fumbles down to the beach at speed and crashes into the water)

"Yeah!"

(Looks around to realise he is the only one...)

"Guys.... hey, Guys come on! Hey... come on Guys... are you coming?"

(Realises he will be alone in the water naked tonight)

"Guys?"

(No response)

"Oh F*ck you guys!! This is the third time this has happened!"

Does anyone else get the impression that this fat naked curly haired teen, who unfortunately reminded me of Jonah (picture above supplied by the internet) from "Knocked Up", doesn't learn from his previous bad experiences of being stood up and laughed at by his friends? Funny thing is, later in the evening the same jiggle boy got chased by a group of creepy small children when he again went naked in the water... but remember how I cut up tasks into smaller bite sized pieces? Well, yeah. Wait for it.