Two days ago I walked past a bus, down my driveway, opened my front door - and walked through it into the living room where my aunty was standing there, apparently waiting for me with a big cheesy grin on her face.

"HEELLOOO" she said, in that creepy way only an older (and slightly unbalanced) relative can manage.

"Uh, hi"

"Aren't you surprised to see me?"

Her eyes were so wide open it looked like her eyeballs were actually clambering forward out of her skull. Her head was nodding in a slightly eccentric 'twitchy' kind of way. Her hands were clasped across her waist, and every fibre of her being was willing me to be totally surprised at her presence.

"Umm, no... not really" I replied.

"What? Why not?" She asked. Deflated. Like a broken silicone implant breast. But without the silicon poisoning.

"Um... I guess the 10 tonne bus parked out the front of the house kinda gave you away..."

"Oh..."

"I mean, it isn't like it is a little bus. You live in it. It has beds, and a loungeroom and a kitchen and everything... it really is very massive. Cars can hardly get up and down the street with that big ass bus there... in fact, the neighbours all make comments about knowing when our cousins are visiting, mostly because access to their houses is kinda blocked."

"But..."

"No wait, I'm not finished. Walking into my house, and not seeing the bus would be like looking at Jennifer Lopez and not realising she has an ass the size of a crate of watermelons... it would be akin to being Prince Charles and not seeing that you had accidentally married a horse Camilla Parker Bowles... it would be like spending $2 BILLION on an underground train line between Chatswood and Epping, but not realising that trains can't actually go on the line because you are the State Labor government and you fooked it up... it would be like having dinner with Josh, his 4WD and his rifle, and not realising he is a massive bogan..."

"Ok, but aren't you surprised to see us?"

"Um... I think we can probably say NO to that one."