So, life seems to be going well for you, with a good job, good friends and that special person in your life... and now you are thinking of getting engaged, right?

Do you feel like you have found that one special someone, that 'perfect match' who is constructed entirely from pieces of ground-up clouds, rainbows and unicorns? Do you find yourself feeling a little light headed when you start daydreaming about that special someone? If so, it may be an idea to see a doctor and get your blood pressure checked.

Before you jump on the nuptial bandwagon, let me just point out a few 'lesser known' thoughts about marriage, LOS style...

Firstly, the word 'marriage' comes to us through the combination of the words 'Mar', meaning to 'make imperfect, and the words 'I rage', which really needs no further explanation... Looking at it that way, marriage is not a word, but a sentence. Think about that.

And before you tilt your head on its side and hold up your disbelieving hand to my face and say something like 'oh no he di'int jus say dat!', lets go on a little further and look at the differences between male and female views on marriage.

"I can't imagine getting married now, I'm too young, I mean, I can see how it would have its fun parts and all but, eww"

"Ha. The fun part is the sex and stuff, the cooking and cleaning part, well not so much fun."

"No, I meant the fun part is living with your best friend for life, the not-so-fun part is the mortgage"

"Oh yeah, that's what I meant".

Men and women are very different. We get married for different reasons. Men get married because they think it is a surefire way of getting more sex as well as a free house cleaner. It is pretty simple for us men. Women get married because suddenly they are not making any more episodes of 'sex in the city' and Cosmopolitan magazine has become too expensive. And without these two staples of female entertainment, they become painfully aware that certain body parts are starting to go south for the atomic winter, and that if they leave it too late they will end up wrinkly, saggy and all alone.

And when the day of sags and wrinkles comes, it does not matter where you work, or how many kittens or puppies you own, or how many exotic locations you have visited on holidays. No matter how much you make out that you are enjoying your life, your old school friends will still come by your myspace and facebook profile and laugh at you, because you are alone, so very very alone.

Think of your mother in law as a cranky unholy combination of bigfoot, that pig headed Orc from Lord of the Rings, Kevin Rudd and that stupid little rat-dog that lives down the street and yaps almost 24 hours a day...

But seeing as though I will never convince people to think twice before people jump into the murky depths of marriage, let me offer you a few pointers.

Women, when your husband is watching sport on TV and starts yelling at his football team, calling them such affectionate names like "Stupid dumb f*ckers" or "Pansy Biatches", he is hardly going to go straight outside and burn all his Arsenal football jerseys in a metal bin out the front on the street. Similarly, when he misses an easy shot in pool or golf and swears until the trees begin to blush, he is still a fan of the game. So remember that next time your husband gets angry and starts calling you affectionate terms like "Stupid whatever", remember he is still on your team.

Women, remember that when men get married, they are predominantly looking for someone to sleep with, and do their ironing. As they get older, the ironing becomes more important. Just so you know. Oh, and Men snore, so women, rather than develop a grudge against him, those times at 2am when he wakes you with the thunderous snoring may just be the perfect opportunity to catch up on some ironing...

Men, it is not a good idea to tell women that the only reason it is called 'PMS' is because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. Doing this is only leading you down the long road to ruin, regardless of how much truth may or may not be in the statement. Oh, and women, if you ever need to get your man to do something, simply suggest that he is a little too old for it and he will move heaven and earth to get it done.

The golden rule in marriage is to avoid the laws at all costs. No matter how crazy your own parents are, your spouses mother is worse. Think of your mother in law as a cranky unholy combination of bigfoot, that pig headed Orc from Lord of the Rings, Kevin Rudd and that stupid little rat-dog that lives down the street and yaps almost 24 hours a day. You know the one.

Feuding with your mother in law is not the exception, it is actually just the rule. Remember it. If you are not feuding with the dreaded M-I-L, then you're not trying hard enough. Oh, and if you need to go away on holidays with your mother in law, may I suggest Byron Bay, it has everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother...huh?

So before you jump into a legally binding marriage contract, just remember that when you say "until death do us part", you really have to mean that bit. Because technically the only way to end a marriage is with a chainsaw.

Before certain readers take this too seriously... remember this is only life of such, not an official marriage tips site, and that the whole thing is all in jest. Remember your jest people!