I have recently realised the reason Mum dragged me along to church for all those years, where I was forced to endure hour after hour of boring old people with grey hair and bad social skills deliver sermon after sermon about a ninja baby that saved the world called Jebus. It was so I could make stupid Jesus comments that offend the people I went / go to church with. I play little games with some friends from the church scene, it is kind of like an SMS based version of "Simon says", except it is "Jesus says". Original I know...

Jesus often tells me to do bad and inappropriate things, and I am required to pass them on via SMS and email... so friends of mine end up with messages like "Jesus says we should totally hit up that Gentlemens club on the weekend", or "Jesus is mad at you for not buying him a beer. Prepare to be smote". I also love the word smote. It should be used more in day to day conversation.

So here I include a snippet of conversation between myself and a pastor no less - for your LOS reading pleasure.

"Jesus said you should get back to work watermelon." (Said pastor is pregnant)

"Ha... No... Jesus says get back to bed and enjoy my sick day"

"No. Jesus is sad because you don't have enough faith to be healed and go back to work. You are off his Christmas card list. Heathen."

Other messages include phrases like:

"Jesus was offended that you punched him in the uterus yesterday... you hurt his feelings - and his uterus!"

and

"Jesus wants a rematch in wii tennis."

Ahh. Good times.