This is just another stupid idea that has been bouncing around my head for a few months now... so bear with me. It involves quite a bit of imagination, and some mathematics.

It is this whole new fad-trend of writing either "I heart you" / "I (heart) you" / or "I <3 you". Here is the breakdown. The first one is a witty take on the usual "I love you" theme, writing the word 'heart' instead of trying to draw a little picture with your keyboard. Fine, I guess I am cool with that, just keep playing with your MAC or ipod or whatever, I will address you again later on in this post.

The second one -I (heart) you- is a little sad to be honest, I mean, if you really need brackets to define the word 'heart' you just aren't putting enough soul or passion into it the whole thing. It comes across clinical and sterile, like beige pants. If you wear beige pants and actually think they look good, may I suggest you seek help?

Which brings me to the final and most hideous of the phrases. "I <3 you", where people attempt to draw a sideways heart to convey their emotions. To be honest, it left me a little confused for a long time, seeing as I always confused the heart (<3) with an icecream cone (

Perhaps the real meaning is "My heart has fallen over on its side", which doesn't sound very healthy no matter how much of a heart surgeon you happen to be. If your heart is prone to falling over on its side, you should probably seek medical attention sooner rather than later... YES YOU!! The one slumped across your keyboard drooling, oh you don't fool me. I don't care if you were born that way and ALL your internal organs are slotted in sideways, seek help. Please. Seek Help.

Or could it be that the phrase "I <3 you" really means "I hate you and I am going to rip your heart out and re-insert it into your chest cavity on a 90 degree angle!". Wouldn't that be a worry now? If you are either planning on messing with someones organs, seek help. If you have had your organs messed with and are feeling a little woozy, seek help.

Or, perhaps the real (and most obvious) meaning has shown everyone is blinded by the interweb world. Look closely "I <3 You". Normally we break this down into three parts, (ME), (Heart) & (YOU), but realistically this should be broken down into four parts - (ME) (LESS THAN) (THREE) (YOU).

I < 3 You. For those mathamatically inept among us, this could mean one of two things.

Either it means "I rate you less than three", or "I am less than three of you". Now obviously unless you are really really fat like Grimace, you are probably less than three of a single person, so for the majority of those that use the term, the real meaning is the former, "I rate you less than three".

Considering the average rating now comes in terms of "5 stars" or "A perfect 10", and we see no mention of any stars in the "I <3 You" formula, we can assume that when one uses the "I rate you less than three", they are actually using a scale out of ten. Assuming "Less than Three" is at best around 2.5 (which is 25% of a perfect 10), it becomes an insult to the factor of two. You are not "half a person", you are "Half of half a person", and that is a pretty big insult no matter HOW SHORT YOU ARE.

So there you have it, I will summize the paper for you. If you are one of those trendy people that type "I heart you", you probably own an ipod and spend too much on accessories and think it is perfectly acceptable to spend $85 on a t-shirt. Yes you may look trendy for one season, but I still think you should seek help.

If you are one of those that type "I (heart) you", you should at this point put your beige pants into the garbage, and sell your volvo. May I suggest spending a little less time around your dogs and more time with real people too, perhaps you should seek some form of help too.

If you are one of those that uses "I <3 YOU" and either re-arrange the organs of others, have had your organs re-arranged, or were born with a sideways heart, seek help. I really don't need to elaborate this point.

If you are one of those that uses "I < 3 You" to secretly insult people, I think that you should probably get rid of your secret collection of hunting knives, ninja stars and black nail polish. And you might considering giving that little skull and crossbones badge you wear back to your sister, we all know she is tougher than you. Oh, and seek help.

To the final group that actually use the phrase "I <3 You" and think it really means I love you... You know what? If you have ever used any of the I heart you messages just seek help. God knows everyone else is.