Allow me to paint a little picture for you. It is around 2am, and I am sitting naked on the cold brown tiles on the floor of the laundry with a pair of tweezers in one hand, and a dirty old sock dripping with methylated spirits in the other, frantically digging, pulling and rubbing at a little red spot in my... uh... I guess in my crotch area is the nicer way of putting it.

Somehow, a tick had managed to work its creepy little way up my leg, looking for a healthy meal. Obviously, my crotch was the catch of the day, and the tick decided to dig in, leaving me with a huge itchy, yet slightly aching bite. Obviously the little sucker had to go.

I had heard that ticks lose their grip when you drown them in methylated spirits, apparently their low tolerance to the alcohol content gets them pissed as newts. And after they are inordinately pissed, they obviously can't stand up, or bite flesh, and as such are easier to remove. Allegedly this alcohol consumption also makes them better dancers and karaoke singers too... but I can't back that up.

So I was drowning and rubbing the tick with methylated spirits, digging into my leg and pulling at the damned tick that just wouldnt budge. Oh, and causing myself a lot of pain in the mean time, seeing as though I have rather hairy... legs. Every time I tried to pull the tick out, I only suceeded in ripping out my upper leg / crotch hair strand by oh-so-painful strand.

Eventually, the story ends with me shaving a bald spot on that section of crotch, the tick having a higher blood alcohol level than Boris Yeltsin during a speech, and my tweezers finally tearing the little idiot free.

So that is my story of me sitting naked on the laundry floor, digging, pulling, rubbing and shaving my crotch. And I wrote that line, because in your dirty little minds, I know that you are all thinking bad things, and having images that will haunt you for a lifetime. So I would like to take this opportunity to say, get your minds out of the gutter!

Oh, and a warning to all the guys, you don't know real fear until you have a tick burrowing into your crotch, inches away from your, uh... Lets just say you don't want to ever experience pulling a tick off your....