And the psycho is not me. For a change. Interweb, meet 'Twitch'. Twitch, meet the invisible people of the new fangled interweb technology.

Now before you get too excited, Twitch can't actually respond to you at all... and it's not because he is confined to his bowl, complete with riverstones and weed. It's not because he can't generate enough pressure from his multicoloured purple, blue and white fins to press the letters on the keyboard down, or because he doesn't care about you. Trust me, he really does care about you all... He just doesn't care for long enough.

You see, my fish has ADHD.

I'm certain of it, and I am not talking about the whole 'goldfish have 3 second memories' type of mental disorder. This is fully blown ADHD.

Me and Lou got a Siamese fighting fish each recently. She keeps hers in a glass jug, mine lives in a glass vase, and we noticed something about each fishes personality straight away. While her fish was all calm and collected (picture an old man wine tasting), MY fish on the other hand was charging around, smacking into things, and jumping out of the water (picture a young child drunk on rum).

I thought he would calm down when he was transfered to a larger vase, but he still maintains his ADHD appeal. Sometimes, he gets extra hyperactive and moves into crazy mode. He begins by twitching like an epileptic, then he begins to charge around his bowl, building up speed, getting faster and faster, until he flies (yes - flies like superman) straight up the side of the vase, out of the water, and slams into the lid at the top of the vase... giving himself a mild concussion for the next 20 minutes in the process.

There are hundreds of websites around promoting the benefits of fish oil, and in particular how effective fish oil is on ADHD. Apparently studies have proven it more effective than Ritalin! These researchers have obviously never ground my fish down to an oily paste and fed it to one of those fruit loop kids. Twitch's oil has the ability to infect the calmest of adults with ADHD, as well as to cause solar flares. He is so ADHD he makes those children that throw things in supermarkets and swear at the age of 3 look like sedated angels.

Yes, I have a fish with a learning disability.

He also has no table manners, and will jump out of the water to take the food out from between my fingers... but hey, one thing at a time, I'll keep on working on his ADHD.