October 2006 Archives

I believe congratulations are in order, for Lauren and Chris, who welcomed their little son into the world recently. I present to you, little 'Xander Isaac Green-Larson'.

This little guy has a lot going for him. Firstly, he has a double barrelled surname. Good things come in pairs... Boobs, shotgun barrels, Chuck Norris' arms (and legs for that matter), neighbors cats and my car tyres. The list is endless.

The second thing, is that his first name is Xander. Xander, with an X. 'Mr X. Green-Larson. He sounds like a superhero villain, and we all know how cool they are... There is no way a kid with the name Xander will be getting bullied in the playground in year three. Xander is the type of kid that grows up to rule the play equipment, have the nerds do his homework, and be paid lunch money 'tribute' from all the lesser children.

And finally, this kid came fully equipped with the 'Chuck Norris guide to Kung-Fu' video tucked inside his umbilical cord. You don't believe me? Just take one look at those pics and tell me his fists aren't instruments of death. He looks ready for a fight. Sure, it's hard to look tough when your naked in a sink, but trust me, that kid is ready to punch the head of the nearest Winnie the Pooh soft toy.

Well, Loz and Chris, congrats on your mini Chuck Norris.

Will

My mum has a big plastic tank out on the back balcony, and at first glance, looks like a big plastic tub, full of bark, sand, a few rocks and an old fishtank. Nothing great. But it is full of mums pets.

She has pet frogs. Actually, I think they are really toads, but there is such a stigma with toads, in Australia we dislike them... even if they make a cool popping noise when you drive over them in the car.

Anyways, mum has around 20 frog/toad things.(I actually just asked her how many are there, and she proceeded to tell me about how 4 have recently died, because the pet store was continually out of stock when it came to fresh crickets, how one has a deformed leg that looks more like a football than a leg, and another is a greedy giant one, about 8 times larger than all the others... the John Candy of the toad world.)

As I mentioned, some toads died recently, and my little kindy sister found the frog carcass that mum had somehow 'left lying around'. Who leaves a toad carcass just lying around the house?

Well, Gabrielle was devastated at the site of this dead frog. Absolutely inconsolable. Tears and crying... much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Mum eventually asked her, why are you so upset over this tiny little frog?

"Because it reminds me of Grandma!!!"

Somehow, my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago resembles a thumbnail sized, fat-bodied, lanky-legged toad.

You know what? I can kinda see where she is coming from....

So it has been an interesting weekend. My site was listed on cssmania.com, and so saw a humble increase of say, 2000+ odd people to my site, which is great. Not so great for my bandwidth usage, but every rose has it's thorns I say.

Anyways, to business. A few weeks ago, I opened a letter addressed to me, with this lovely photograph inside. It's a picture of my brother-in-law. There are three things I noticed about this photograph. The first, is that he had stuck a little strip of paper over his man-child beard.... (which I then removed and stuck over his eyes, so as not to humiliate him). The second, is that he is wearing a really daggy Simpsons tshirt. The third and final thing is that he is holding two fish.

Somehow, Brendan believes that holding two fish automatically means that he caught two fish. Which simply isn't true. A quick read back over this would tell you that last time he said he caught two fish (mullet - any fish named after the native haircut of a hick / bogan just ISN'T a real fish) in 4 hours of fishing, was when he caught nothing, and had to steal 2 little pan sized mullet off an old Chinese man to save face with the rest of us!

So. Here's the challenge. Email me (will 'at' lifeofsuch.com) some photo's of you holding two of anything, and we shall begin the reply.

P.S. Im kicking myself, because I came up with another joke that I should have used at the wedding... sure I used "If you don't get anything tonight with your *rod* you never will!!", but I should have also used "I'm sure its neither the first, nor the last time She'll hear the phrase 'Honey, I promise it was THIS BIG!'.

Ahh well. Remember the challenge, send photo's of you holding two of anything (even one of anything if it's interesting) and we'll have our little internet right of reply!!

Will Out.

I was at a dinner / trivia night a while back with friends, and we were discussing those things that really get our goat so to speak. Not a literal goat... no one there owns a goat, the most goat-like pet anyone owned was a sheep, and that was mine. Except it was stolen by a butcher in Berowra. bastardo!

Anyways, it's strange, but we began talking about solitaire... and you know what? Winning at Solitaire isn't as satisfying as it should be. Why? The cards bounce off around the screen, but never quite make it to that top left section of the screen... so, you like, accidentally move your mouse accross the screen and realise that it makes the cards jump a little faster and further...

"AHA!!" You think to yourself. "If I move the mouse around really really fast and randomly I might just be able to make the cards jump to the top corner!!!"

But alas, no. The green corner still remains. Solitaire. Microsoft. 123solitaire.com. Please stop mocking us, and making us move our stupid mouses around to bounce recalcitrant cards around the screen.

stop mocking us!!

Lesson 114.

No matter how many people you've hugged or kissed... no matter how many times you've witnessed a couple making out in the street... no matter how many steamy love scenes you've seen at the movies... no matter how old and mature you think you are...

...accidentally walking in on your parents doing *it* just doesn't get any less disturbing.

nope.

There are some funny and interestingly named things out in the world. Personally I think the word 'scrotum' is preeetty high up on the list, along with 'burp' and 'poo'... But there are people with funny and interesting names too. I mean, I ended up with 'Will John Dance', and my sister's name is 'Elissa May Dance', which I think is funny, right?

I've met a guy called 'Timon' (think the meerkat from Lion King), and there was a rumour going around that one of the teachers 'Mrs Dover' actually called her son Ben (think about it), although it could never be fully confirmed. I've also heard of a Mr White and Miss Black getting married... although I don't think they become Mr & Mrs Grey.

So here it is... what are the strangest names, or indeed combination of names of people you have come across? I know there are more out there... Post some on the 'Message this' board on the right hand side...

It was not long ago that my sister woke me with a few random text messages at 7am one morning, letting me know that her car had a flat tyre, and that her husband, wearing nothing but a dressing gown, flapping in the breeze from the passing automobiles had to change the tyre... I promised photos. And here they are. Courtesy of Elissa.





























Here we have Brendan giving his 'best side' to the passing cars... If only we could see their faces

.......Here we see Brendan's best side...

.......You can almost see up his skirt dressing gown in this photo... Brendan assures me that the weather was EXTRA cold that morning...

Brendan. It was very noble of you to drive her to work in the morning, and change the tyre. Next time, wear some underpants.

This is tre cool. Every single one of these sound effects are created by this *choir* of people...

Funny...

Let me begin this post by saying it happened a long long time ago, in a land inhabited by fairies, elves and my little sister... and that I'm sure that SOME aspects of my sisters character in this story have changed. Some however remain the same.

The eldest of my younger sisters (Elissa) for the past few months had been copping a LOT of negative publicity in the family for her evil devil breath. It was so bad, she would pick a flower to smell the scent, and the flower would wilt before it reached her nose... In the days leading up to the 'event' in question, we had been teasing her quite a bit...

Late one night, my mum heard some crying from the bathroom... she walked out and tried to open the bathroom door. Locked. She knocked, and one of my younger sisters answered in a tearful voice 'I'm in here... I've had an accident'. The accident happened to be that she had extremely bad diarrhoea, and had actually left a snail trail from her bed to the bathroom. And it stank...

Then, as an embarrassed six year old does, she had gotten a handful of tissues, and attempted to clear it up off the bathroom floor... only the smell was so bad, she was throwing up at the same time. She would wipe a part of the floor clean, only to vomit on it, and have to clean it again. Poor child was going around in circles.

Mum and Dad came to the rescue, wiping up the mess in the bathroom, hallway and bedroom, and changing the sheets on the bed. The smell lingered... it was so bad that Mum decided to open the window, and put a fan near the window to blow fresh air into the room.

Elissa began to wake up right about this time, and in her half awake state started shouting at everyone "You're all idiots! Your so stupid! This is just so stupid! Ok, Ok, I get it... my BREATH SMELLS!!! But this is just stupid!!! YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS!!".

Yes Elissa. Your breath was so bad that it woke mum, dad and *the other nameless one* from their sleep, and they had to use a fan to induce fresh air into the room to avoid asphyxiation.

As I said earlier, some aspects of Elissa's character have changed. She doesn't call people idiots as much anymore.

Well, today was my little sisters birthday, and for those of you close to the family, you would know about my little joke that says kids just don't get birthday presents for their sixth birthday. Funny.

I've been messing with her, and she has been bribing me with high fives, lollies, kisses and niceness just so I can go talk to 'the man' that makes the rules, to ask him to change the 'no present on your sixth birthday' rule.

I sat her down on the couch, a serious expression on my face, and told her that I tried really hard to change the mans mind. But he just wouldn't change the rules, and so we were not allowed to give her any birthdays.

Just as she was getting really upset, I let her in on a little secret. I had bashed up the man, punched him in the face, and kicked him in the nuts, because heck, im like, totally the best brother in the world.

The smile on her face was HUGE. And that is what birthdays are all about. Messing with childrens emotional wellbeing, so they feel so bad and sad, just so you can pretend to do something nice that makes them think you're an absolute god.

Tomorrow it is my little sisters 6th birthday. I haven't gotten her a present yet. Which is nothing unusual for me... But I may have been a little mean to her... in the 'messing with your head' kind of way.

You see, she was SO eager to tell me that I HAD to get her a birthday present that I got a little... shall we say resentful? I told her that she wouldn't get any presents on her sixth birthday. Because it just wasn't allowed... the rules forbid any presents on your 6th birthday.

Obviously she was a little upset. But didn't really believe me. She turned to her older sisters for support... they all agreed, no presents on your sixth. I told her she has to be super nice to me and give me lots of high-fives, and if she is nice, i'll do my best to talk to the 'man in charge' and change the rules.

So the past few days have been much fun for me. I hope I don't give her a stomach ulcer through from her worrying.

Good times.

So, to the most pressing of issues, where my MYSPACE profile has had over 250 hits in the past week. Which has been crazy... see what happens when kids at a particular school have access to the internet? Only bad can come from this.

In the meantime, I am trying to do a McGyver, and create an epic add for the SAM uni diary using only a piece of string, a paper clip and a part of Kim Beazleys left leg. When it's done it will be SO AWESOME.

The new RE: magazine should be published soon at uni, I'm looking forward to being able to read what I wrote in it. Just to check if it's the same as when I wrote it in the first place.

My brother has decided to move rooms, in the process messing up my newly married sisters stuff, jumbling it all together in the computer room, and loosing my girlfriends things in the process. Good one.

I've spent the past few days looking after kids at vacation care. I almost feel bad when the really naughty kids do something really bad and hurt themselves.

Who am I kidding? I love it when they do something bad and hurt themselves. Its Karma's "I told you so".

p.s. I strongly dislike the words 'epic' and 'awesome', as well as countdown television shows, broken mobiles and having to look after the zoo of pets at my house when the family goes away...

I'm not great with passwords. I forget them. Uni passwords, student number passwords, bank account passwords, email address, myspace accounts and website logins all need passwords. Sure, I've streamlined a few of them, others I just hit the 'I forgot my password' link to retrieve my password each and every time I log in...

But this takes the cake.

*Mobile phone rings*

Me - "Hello?"
Telstra Operator (T.O.) - "Hi, Im just after Mr William Dance please..."
Me - "Speaking..."
T.O. - "This is just a quick courtesy call in regards to your telstra mobile phone account - but just before that, do you remember your account password?"
Me - "Ummmmmm....."
T.O. - "It's a name...."
Me - "Is it MY name?"
T.O. - "I don't know... whats your name??"
Me - "William"
T.O. - "Thats right!"

Thank god that Telstra pays Trulio almost $9 Million per year, because I think he must have just hired one of the wiggles as a telstra call centre operator... Good job Sol, good job.

Security password my ear.