Today was the quarterly 'get the family together with Lou's mum and Lou's step dad Ken, and goodness knows who else from the family that emerges at these times of the year for the painfully slow family lunch. Sure, I'm actually an *unofficial* addition to the family, and not specifically required to attend... but YOU try refusing to ever see your girlfriends family and see how far you get. Seriously. Try it.

Last time we had a major family lunch things went horribly astray very early. From the time Ken arrived at the restaurant over an hour late with his Lou's mother and grandparents in tow we knew it was going to be a great day. Once he put a few bottles of wine away, he obviously lost his manners too, and after giggling at an unfortunate 'black stump coupon' incident, I was yelled at, told off, and told to 'curb that behaviour young man!' by an angry, red faced alcoholic non attractive Ken doll.

Needless to say, I was looking forward to this family lunch like root canal work. I've never had work done on my root canal, but I suspect if it is anything like being told to 'curb it' infront of a restaurant full of old people, then I shant expect to enjoy it very it much.

All things said, it wasn't too bad. Sure, Ken spent the afternoon repeating the phrase 'I've been teaching for 40 years, and I hate it, but stick in there, you might enjoy it'... His grace also included reference to Anzacs, freedom, some random biblical truth, and the people of Iraq. More like rhetoric than prayer. (a bible verse about a clanging cymbal comes to mind...)

I also got absolutely interrogated by an old woman with a handbag that was made from the same dark green and purple floral material of the gross couches. She claimed to be a grandmother of someone there, but Im not sure who because I wasnt paying attention. She spent a good 30 mins giving me the third degree on what constituted acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, and measuring me and my entire life against those standards in order to give approval to my relationship with Lou... who isn't even related to her.?

Lucky for me, my entire life consists of being born, being 6 pounds at birth, nearly being strangled by the umbilical cord, going to highschool and uni, and being involved in music and thats it. As far as she is concerned, I've never drunk, cheated, lied or even heaven forbid broken the speed limit.

After this she proceeded to give me HER life story about her growing up, her late husband who was very sick from the war, and about how it was honorable to never put people down... She then went on spend the next 10 minutes complaining about an old lady at her nursing homes who is obsessed with status, position and Mercedes Benz cars. She would even make the driver beep the horn as they came down the street so people would see her in the Merc. Old people can be so desperate sometimes. So so desperate.

Sure, all the oldies wanted to talk to me because I'm wrinkle free at the age of 25, and they all complained about the young drivers who speed and *change lanes quickly* (We all know there must be a special place in Hell for those lane changers) and bragged about their safe driving and how they have never ever ever ever never on your life broken the speed limit... but all in all, the day was ok. As my following checklist proves.

Physically Assaulted? - No
Verbally Assaulted? - No
Minimal Ken conversation time? - Yes
Food & Drink supplied? - Yes
Avoided kissing elderlies? - Yes
Rather be somewhere else? - Yes.

But you can win them all. Sometimes life is a sacrifice.