February 2006 Archives

Its almost the end of February. And hey, I've just noticed that February has an 'R' that no-one pronounces. Feb-Ru-Ary. Makes you feel a little handycapped trying to say that. odd.

Today at work, I walked out from behind the goggles, and this cute little 4 year old girl-kid looks up at me, startled... and then kicks a soccer ball at me. Random.

We then spend the next 5 minutes kicking a soccer ball back and forth while bemused customers queing that the checkout look on.

I've seen it tough in classrooms before... I have witnessed students set fire to the school, seen massive security fences, seen the abuse, swearing and fights... heck, I've even seen school furniture go flying from the second level of a school building. But nothing compares to what I experienced today...

I was hugged. I was told students have a crush on me. Told I looked like Daniel MacPhersons brother. Told I was hot. One girl even went so far as to shout across the playground "Yeah... Shake that booty boy!".

People only like me for my looks... I'm not seen as a person, just eye candy. I can't help that I'm hot, just don't treat me like a piece of meat... Now I know how hot big breasted women walking past a building site feel when they are drooled over and whistled at. So how do I deal with all this leering in the playground?... I just hold my head up high, chin up, and walk on... making sure I wiggle my ass a little more than before.

Ok, so most of you that have not been living under a rock realise that it was valentines day last week. Most of the female species have been aware that valentines day was approaching for over a month or so know... Guys prolly only noticed around 10pm on the 14th of feb when their girl started getting REALLY moody for no reason. So why roses? They have thorns that draw blood, don't smell all that great, and cost you an absolute fortune this time of year. And they only last a couple of weeks at the most... and thats IF you leave them in water!

They only reall exist to be pretty... and that is like telling your special someone that "You hurt me both financially and physically, and my love for you is fleeting, and based exclusively on your appearance."

But Give me a humble potato...

Those things last forever... infact, not only do they seem to not fade and wilt after a week or two, they actually begine to GROW stuff, even if you just leave them alone sitting in a bag or cupboard! That alone makes the potato an awesome symbol of valentines day!

But there is totally WAY MORE...

You can enjoy the delights of the humble potato in so many different ways! Mashed, fried, baked or boiled! You can even make a battery using a Potato!! Thats like saying "I have many ways in which I show my love for you!"

And while the humble Potatos may look look plain, old, or ugly, or just plain old ugly they are still totally awesome. And thats like saying "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you..."

By The...Umm... something something something.... As you can tell, I dont know the American National Anthem... I do however know that it is called 'Star Spangled Banner'... and that is from a trivial pursuit card.

Ok. Since some Americans/American Lovers have been taking me to task over my generalisation that 'Americans are ignorant', and there seems to be a general lack of support from others for my statement, I shall hereby retract it. Or at least rephrase it.

Not all Americans are ignorant. Just lots. And those 'lots' have the ability to get on camera and speak for the nation. But really... I think there is a case. Lets start with the 'World Series' baseball. The only country competing in this world series is..... USA!!. Is the USA really a world unto itself?

And lets turn our attention to Hollywood... In the case of advanced alien invaders planning to harvest the planet, the rest of the world will sit around waiting for the USA to figure it out. And when they DO figure it out, an Englishman will actually use the words "Thank God" in reference to Americans, and get off his butt do finally do something. But before the world attacks we will have to wait while a president makes a motivational if not slightly cliche speech about freedom and independance and America being the bestest. Then they go bomb Afghanistan iraq the aliens. Repeat for ALL aliens, arabs and asteriods.

And George W. Bush? Are you guys playing some kind of joke? Cause the rest of the world is looking on, and we really dont get it. Full credit to the guy though, anyone that resembles a chimp THAT CLOSELY and can still get enough votes to take power is cool. Not cool in the fonz way though, cool like steamed vegetables.

To finish, I leave you with this story of the Judge who led the courtroom in a big Superbowl 'Go seahawks' cheer before a sentencing hearing. I mean seriously....

"Ok everyone.... GO SEAHAWKS!! - And Congratulations Sir, you win a prison cell for the next 13.5 years of your life!! BOOYAH"

Ahh.... God Bless America. And Chuck Norris.
(P.S. I dont hate Americans.)

I got emailed a couple of photo's from my girlfriend today. They were labelled as 'Ella smiling'. For the record, Ella is my girlfriends (baby) niece, as opposed to my girlfriends baby... which she doesnt have. She doesnt have offspring. I looked at the photo's of the 11 week old mammal, and sure, she is cute, and has more hair than any of the beatles, even the beatles of old... when they were young. With hair.


Im not sure that an 11 week old baby HAS the ability to smile. Do they KNOW what a smile represents? I mean really at 11 weeks, isn't it still just gas? As far as I am concerned, and in all my professional opinion, a baby cannot officially 'smile' until that 'smile' is accompanied by a 'thumbs up' gesture... like in top gun. Yep, without the thumbs up, its not a smile, its just Gas.

I honestly can't believe the ignorance of Americans. I was watching the NFL Superbowl on Tv, and the wally giving comments, makes the statement "And we are going to have a scrum, something which many of our European viewers would be aware of, from their European Football league, their soccer league."

First of all... there is ONE football... You americans call it soccer. Its football. Because you use your foot and a ball. A game where you use your hands and copious amounts of padding to protect the pansy boys with big mouths isnt football... thats pansy ball.

Secondly, in 'European football / soccer" there are no scrums you tard. Never, no such thing in the game. For someone who is a sports commentator, you have a pretty narrow limited scope.

Just like America.

You know I'm paranoid of sharks right...? Right? So I've thought out a plan of what I would do if sharks took over the world.

Firstly, Id be REALLY polite to them, offer to make them sandwiches made out of little pieces of people that I didn't really like, not their heads and guts, just their fingers and toes. This would keep the sharks full enough not to eat me, but hungry enough to keep me around as a useful servant to get food for them. This would also teach all those people I dont like a painful, but not necessarily fatal lesson.

Then, once the sharks trusted me, I would invite them all to a giant competition of 'pin the tail on the donkey'. The sharks might not know what a donkey is, but their competetive nature will compell them to play anyway. Then, while all the sharks are blindfolded and holding donkey tails, I would run up a mountain and hide behind a rock... because the sharks couldnt see me because they have their blindfolds on.

And then when Im a safe distance away, I would peer out from behind my rock and look at all the sharks, walking around bumping into eachother blindfolded and accidentally stabbing each other with their donkey tail pins. Yeah. Thats what I'd do. And if they didnt stab eachother to death, I would go back down the mountain and shoot them with my machine gun arms.

The End.

Sure, the words 'pleased to meat you' are corny. Especially in relation to flesh. But in all seriousness they were painted on the glass of my local butcher... and as this is a meat/cow/butcher related post... anyhoo.

As you are aware, I went south for the summer holidays, to Jervis Bay. The biggest local town was Nowra... where everyone is fat, a bogan, or a fat bogan. The shops are bogan, and only sell fat clothes, the food stores are full of fat bogan food on shelves, and even the animals are overweight and sport massive mullets.

To add to it all, in the middle of the shopping complex, we saw this.

CAN YOU see the wierdness in this photo? Im not talking about the heads of Josh and Fi in the foreground... but I AM talking about heads... look closely. At the sign. Closely... You are getting sleepy... you are floating... not only are you floating... you are seeing floating cow heads.

ABSOLUTELY NEVER buy meat from a store that has a floating cows head on the sign. A floating cows head is the universal sign for "I got stoned and may have butchered the family dog - for $5.99 a kilo". Seriously... only in Nowra... and possibly Texas.