October 2005 Archives

I was at work this morning.

(BTW- I was 15 mins late because I fell asleep standing up and my legs had such bad pins and needles when I woke up again that I couldnt walk and kept tumbling around the floor in my underpants like a drunk gymnast - But thats another story.)

This older gentleman was paying for his fuel, and while I was running the transaction through, he started moaning.... "Ohh...... Ahh... *clears throat.... hmmmm....."

I looked up, and asked 'Sorry?' I thought he had said something to me, I didnt realise he may have been having a pleasurable reaction to using Viagra, or to seeing me swipe that credit card in an oh so sexy way... Or both.

He apologised, and began to go into DETAIL about his stomach bug. He actually used the words 'since breakfast its really rumbling.... ohh.... ahh... there it goes again'.

The whole transaction was filled with ohhs and ahhs. It was like he was having a stomach orgasm. Eww.

Some things I dont need to know.
Others I will write about on the website.

Josh and Fi went away for the weekend, and let Lou and myself use their couch and kitchen and dvd and tv and for goodness sake EVEN their toilet! They are so generous.

As many of you are aware, I can be a little annoying, only just a little. Maybe even a lot annoying. But, as the saying goes, 'when the cats away, the pigeons will play snooker' or something like that... so snooker I did.

I took a pair of Josh's underpants, and threw them on Lou's head while she was watching TV. After teasing her for a while, I went to the kitchen, got a milkshake cup, put the undies in it, filled it with water, and put it in the freezer.

Yes. You read right. I am so retarded, that I used my OWN HANDS to pick up Josh's dirty undies, put them in a kitchen DRINKING UTENSIL, filled it with water, and froze it.

He doesnt know this yet, but when he gets home tonight there will be something more than just frozen Ice-cream awaiting him in the freezer.

For those that DONT believe me. Here are pics. Enjoy. And it might be wise to NOT leave me a key to your house, or you too may experience the delights of frozen delicates.

I read this in an article online about evolution and intelligent design theory.

'Evolutionary theory - first proposed by Charles Darwin in 1859 - explains the diversity of plants and animals as the result of natural selection. It is based on observations of the natural world and can be tested.'

No. It cant be tested. Natural selection can be observed and tested.
Micro-Evolution (Loss of Genetic code from mutation) causing variation within the same species can be observed.
Macro-Evolution (Addition of Genetic code - change from one species to another) has never been observed, and as such, can never be tested.

The 'Missing Link' is missing for a reason.

Its now 12am and I just downed a Red Bull energy drink. Im also well on my way to finishing a whole bag of jelly babies. All I've done on my essay since getting back from soccer is re-organise some sections, and think a bit. Oh, and procrastinate. This assignment needs to be handed in at 10am this morning. Thats 9 hours and 56 minutes away.

Ah... sweet uni life...

During Essay time I tend to make simple things more complex. The following is a before and after snapshot of phrases from my essay.

'The world' = 'the international audience at large'

'that stuff we remember about sports and stuff' = 'Australias rich and complex sporting mythology'

'show the' = 'epitomise the character and idealistic notions of'

time for bed...

'How was teaching today?'
'Good... the kids set fires in the school.... TWICE!'

Ahh... student teacher prac in Sydneys loving south west.
Gotta Love it.

This is a little old now... but a few weeks ago my cell leader asked me to define the word 'JOY' at a combined connect group meeting...

My response.
'Happiness transcending circumstance'.
I feel heaps smartera n stuff now.

I had like, totally, like 8 dreams last night. I only remember one of them though... and its wierd.

It all started when i was leaving a friends house in mt kuringgai. I was driving up the road and these kids were skateboarding on the roundabout near the bridge (There is no actual roundabout there). In my dream, I decided to be a bit of a pain in the butt and play 'tag' on the roundabout... something I actually do in real life too. (For those that DONT know, 'tag' is all about speeding up as you drive through the roundabout, in an attempt to 'tag' the car infront, and then beep them for not giving way to their right hand side... ha!)

Well, not only did I play tag in this dream, I also decided to do a loop around the roundabout, which meant that I nearly drove over one of those little punk skater kids twice. So I did the loop, and went back down the street to my friends house. Needless to say, they got grumpy that some skinny white guy tried to run one over and they gave me death stares... and I was all like 'hey... come on man, im trying to drive here'. And then got all up in their Grill about it.

These little 14yo skater punks must have gotten even madder, because somehow they got some big red chevy V8 and drove down the street past my friends place where they proceeded to try to run my friends and myself down. Needless to say, fourteen year old children cant drive that well, and they missed us all and drove off down the street. After a few laughs, me and my friends went inside.

Now we dont know how they did it, because this was a DEAD END street, but they appeared from the other side on the balcony (minus the car) but carrying a bag of ice and tried to cover me in ice. I mean, perfectly logical. If someone tries to run you down in a car while your skating, its perfectly fair to make them a little bit cold by tipping ice on them.

For those of you that dont know, I have the reflexes of a cat, and I saw this Ice coming and dodged it, and did the most appropriate thing I could think of by grabbing one of them, pinning them to the ground and putting the little pieces of ice down his shirt.... No biggies there.

These little sk8r b0i's got MORE angry, and yelled lots of abuse, like little tough kids do. No action, all talk... that was until after we finished with the ice. They waited until I had turned my back and then punched me in the back of the head, only it didnt hurt at all, partly because it was a dream, and partly because 14 year old kids arent that strong and cant aim punches and stuff. Then time slowed down or something, because I went all kung fu on their asses, and took them all on at the same time. I was blocking the punches of two of the punk kids, one with my massive left arm, and one with my massive right arm, and in cool dreamlike fashion, SIMILTANEOUSLY blocking the other two kids with a leg each.

It wasnt quite Neo in the matrix style, but was a little more like Jackie Chan in Rush hour. SO THEN one of my friends shouted 'get that one down on the ground' (not sure why... but being a dream I do what im told), so I somehow jumped in the air (while using my hands to similtaneously block punches from the other 2 kids) and used my legs to grab this kid, and then flip his skater boyness sideways... The whole time, I was blocking punches from the other kids and then slapping their faces, and they were getting really grumpy. As you would.

THEN i ordered some pizza for my friends... (evidence that men CAN multitask) and i went all teacher on the little kids, and made them sit down (under threat of further slapping) on these little kiddies chairs at the end of the balcony. They were forced to watch me paint this silly old painting... in fact, I wasnt even really painting it, I was trying to make it better, but kept stuffing up this stupid tree with too much green paint. Stupid tree.

Eventually the pizza came, and i gave some to the kids, who by this stage were behaving quite well, well enough that the neighbours walking along the street made comments about how well they were being. They also said something about colouring-in books. I shook the skater kids hands hands and said they could go if they wanted to. And by this stage they ended up liking me and laughing. And then they went home to eat Pizza.

The End.

And Im all like... wtf?

Im at Uni now, in the computer lab.
I mentioned to my tutor that im teaching a film study introduction using TV ads as my sources. She asked if I had seen the Dove ads, and suggested I use those in my lesson.

I was like... 'which ones'?

She then proceeded to mention to the entire class the fact that the new Dove ads, with the 'large' ladies parading around in their white underwear and G-strings, were great ads, and that sales had jumped by over 20% in Britain.

I dont think I feel brave enough to show a class of year 8 students an ad with large scantily clad women posing, and whats worse, analysing all the angles and shots.

Eww.

Anyways, she is patrolling the room, and im tired of clicking and hiding and pretending to do work. Time to go.

Oh, and Steve... you look WAY too interested in that syllabus document. Nerd.

I could never smoke. Apart from being an Asthmatic, who would die trying to impersonate a chimney, it seems that over the years Ive just seen too many wierdos who smoke. The impressions they left on me are imprinted on my soul...

First off, the wheezy dunhill blue man. He hobbles in with his walking cane. His fingers and teeth are yellow, and he cant walk more than 10 metres without wheezing and coughing. He can hardly talk, and hardly has the strength to cough the crap out of his lungs. Oh, and his circulation is so poor his skin is purple. Im suprised he is still alive.

Secondly, the Winfield Blue Lady. She walks barefoot to work. I dont think she washes her uniform regularly. When she passes the door of the store she is usually still eating vegimite on toast. (Im not knocking Vegimite at all by the way). She doesnt know how to do her hair, or moisturise or wear makeup. Im sure she could bash my dad in a bar fight.

Thirdly, the Malboro man. I think he is possibly related to the dunhill blue man, just younger... well on his way with yellow fingers, teeth, and skin that is holding its breath.

The winfield green lady 1. Smokes around her kids. Bogan.

The winfield green lady 2. Uber-muscles. About 57. Still wearing miniskirts. Another serious lack of hygene... she cant brush her teeth, or her hair, or if she can, its obvious that she mixes the toothbrush and hairbrush up.

Finally... the Horizon man. This comes from when I was around 11 years old, visiting my Grandmother in a mental home after her breakdown when my Grandfather died. This old 46 year old man would continually walk around the compound outside wearing a push-bike helmet, and making motorbike noises with his mouth. Bike helmet. Motorbike racing noises. Horizon ciggarettes. He did give me and my younger sister lollies when we went back to his room though. Cool guy.

But no smoking for me.