September 2005 Archives

I couldnt sleep last night. I think my undies were too tight. They are fine for everyday wear and tear during the day, but are too tight for sleeping in.

Everytime I moved or rolled over or changed the positions of my leg, my bits got constricted. It was like sleeping with an Anaconda... slowly constricting and tightening, preparing for a meal.

I had a constant ache the whole night. And not Once did I think to change my underwear or take it off. Just thought you all needed to know.

This morning a group builders came into the store to buy breakfast. One is a young guy with more tatoos than... err, well, lots of tattoos. And a trendy mohawk. The other guy is older, a bit rough around the edges... The other builders are just background noise.

Builder 1 (the smartass) - "Thats the Biggest watch Ive ever seen"
Me - "Its for hitting small children"
Builder 2 (Old Guy - points at smartass) - "Theres a candidate right there"
Me - "Im not talking about mental age... Im talking about REAL children"
Builder 1 (Smartass) - "Thanks for the insult"
Me - "No worries, they are free today."
(Rest of Builders Laugh at young smartass)

Im sure this will be continued...

I saw a girl today. She was a little large. By little, I mean rather. She was pashing some poor guy (who had a sheepish grin on his face), dancing around him, and doing some kind pelvic thrusting thing that my innocent eyes have never seen before. The kind of thing that makes mum's grab their twelve year old sons and cover their little wide uncorrupted eyes. Infact, it was so bad that my mum would have smacked me just for looking. Lucky she wasnt there huh. Oh, and all this took place in the middle of the street at a bustop near some shops, with other people at the bustop that was on the street with people that had shops with people. Those people got a free show tonight.

I wonder if that guy really had a sheepish grin, or if that strained smile was simply a show to mask his fear. Save yourself man, throw yourself under the next bus that even looks like its coming your way. It probably wont feel too dissimilar to getting pelvic thrusted by the walrus girl. There isn't much difference in size between the two, but there is definitely more honour awaiting you under the wheels of the bus than under the quivering barge booty of cellulite asphyxiation.

If you've got the booty of a walrus, throw your hands UP!

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps....
(Black Eyed Peas).

That song, sick as it is, just makes me laugh every single time I hear it. Its stupidness makes me laugh. Most of our male customers that stock up on 8 chocolate bars at 10am have lady lumps. In fact, they have enough lumps for 3 ladies.

I digress.

It was playing one morning at work, and this old teacher. And by old I mean old, at LEAST 40, shimmied into the store.

"Hey dudies".
The whole time at the counter, she was singing 'Mamma Mia' and wiggling her hips seductively. She was about as seductive as an axe. And old axe. With chips in the blade, and way too many splinters in the handle. As she leaves she smiles at us, and in that old 'Hi im 45 going on 16 way' says "Ok Dudes - Split you later".

Ive never seen a 40yo teacher that drunk early in the morning. It was like she was seriously trying to seduce us, with her coolness. Which by the way, was SERIOUSLY lacking.

The whole time she was there, all I could hear was:
"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps...."

On the same day, a young slightly overweight female gym instructer flirted with me and attempted to get me to go to the gym down the road.

Maybe she saw my lovely Man-Lady lumps.

I had just made the trek from Liverpool towards home. I had been seriously busting to pee all day, so I made a quick stop at Thornleigh McDonalds. I walked through the newly decorated interior, into the trendy bathrooms, only to be mortified by what I saw.

There is only 1 toilet, and 3 urinals in this tiny little trendy Mens bathroom. The bathroom is tiny. The worst thing is that when you stand there peeing, you are almost touching the man next to you. This is a bad thing. You do not touch the man next to you when peeing. You do not TALK to the man next to you while peeing. You do not LOOK AT, SMILE TO or ACKNOWLEDGE THE MAN NEXT TO YOU whilst peeing. Oh, and for goodness sakes, NO GRUNTING either. It just is not right. There are rules.

Anyway. I walk into the toilet, wait for a urinal, and notice a man in the corner peeing in the urinal. Well... he looks like he has been there a while - he is in the "Pee Zone". The tiny urinal in the tiny bathroom next to him becomes available, so I walk over, unzip and start peeing. Bear in mind I have holding this king kong sized Pee for over 6 hours.

So for the next minute, I concentrate on the little mozaic tiles on the bathroom wall as if I am some kind of Archaeologist. Perhaps Indiana Jones. Except not a treasure hunter. And better looking. Perhaps.

I finish this massive Pee, and notice that there is no peeing going on next to me. I DID NOT LOOK - but there was no noise. He was just standing there. His 'Bits' out in the wind... but no pee. I walked away, washed my hands and left, and pee man is still there.

Which Brings me to my next point.

Men... get your PROSTATES examined regularly. Or You too could be that pee man locked in a tiny bathroom in McDonalds straining yourself to pee.

I feel so tired. Spiritually speaking. I feel like a spent force. Like an old newspaper blown into a gutter, waiting for the rain and the wind to make the ink run, and tear the brittle paper.

Physically I am drained too. Its like I'm constantly needing to sleep or rest. If i go anywhere, chances are, when I get home I need to sleep.

Meh. Why?

Ive never seen a muesli eating sweet old lady with Talons for hands before today. These things belonged on an eagle for sure. But I guess there is a first time for everything.

Me - "Make like a clown and juggle"
Cripple - "Ive only got one hand"
Me - "Even more talented then..."
I told an old chainsmoking cripple to juggle today. This guy hardly has enough breath to walk 10 meters without choking. He is purple all the time from bad blood circulation. Hey, if you can hold a ciggarette in your stained yellow fingers and still manage to drive, then you can juggle clown. JUGGLE CLOWN! NOW! NOW!

I was told off by my boss today. He accused me of lying. If he doesnt tell me that only Coke orders come through the back roller door, then I shouldnt be expected to know. Dont go off at me. If I ask you when you told me this 'information', Or ask when the new policy was put into practise, then answer my damn question. Dont keep yelling at me in a psudeo-English-Sri Lankan mix of words I cant understand. Dont accuse me of lying about a freaking roller door policy. As if I care.
You cant even spell my freaking name. Its not like you dont have it written on files and in communication logs and on employee pay sheets.
And its only 4 letters.
WILL NOT WILLS.
(P.S. Wearing deodorant would be a good start too)

As I sit here at 11pm at night eating my bacon, eggs, fried tomato on toast (the perfect artery-aerobics), the unmistakable drones of Celine Dion come through the floor from my brothers room above.

My brother. The big tough one who never cries when the simpsons ends, who uses swear words in front of mum and dad...MUM AND DAD!!! The one who blasts this quiet little neighborhood with Eminem during the daylight hours, is now listening to the soothing *cough* strains of Celine Dion.

Your secrets out bro.

PS.
Sam. We are now even for the time that you beat me up and dislocated my spine simply because I hid a decaying Blue Tongue Lizard under your bed for a day, the smell of which was so bad that you were forced into sleeping in the loungeroom for the next two days.

"Blah... Prick!! blah blah... it smells... blah blah... i vomited when i smelt it... blah blah whine whine." - Sam

We are even I say.

PSS.
Celine Dion is on repeat.

Dear Will,
It's been a while, too long actually. How are you? How's life treating you? So on and so forth. I have a story that might interest you.

The date is Wednesday the 31st of August, it is sometime in the afternoon after I got back from the beach. I am at Waitara waiting to pick up my brother. The events occurred as follows:

Will: Hi
Bec: Hi
(bla bla bla I cant remember)
(Will walks off)
Mum: Was that Sam's brother?
Bec: Yes, Will.
Mum: He looks like Sam.
Bec: Really?
Mum: He is REALLY hot though Bec. Much better looking than Sam.
Bec: (mouth open in horror as mum calls friends hot)

Truth hurts ey.

Love always
Bec