August 2005 Archives
Children are such good entertainment value. Except for when they go feral and attack in supermarkets. And even then, if its not your child, and your a safe distance away from the distraught mother, it can be funny.
Not only are they funny... they can be proud and arrogant too.
My little four year old sister was climbing in the pantry... literally, feet off the floor, arms stretched, little grubby fingers grasping and tugging at this old plastic bag. She had discovered a secret stash of 'little chocolate things'.
She seemed a little unsure about these particular chocolate things, as they seemed relatively different to all the other chocolate things around the house... She paused, her little eyebrows raised as if she was half expecting 'the chocolate thing' to bite her. In the end, her reason prevailed, what the hell, Chocolate is chocolate right?
Mouth opens - Grubby hand goes up - chocolate thing goes down
3 chews. Her face changes. She looks at me. The evil brother that kept encouraging her to eat the 'chocolate thing' purely for my own involvement. What did this chocolate bean look like?
The next best thing besides the evil death stare was the way she hopped on her scooter like nothing had ever happened, and rode off into the sunset of the living room.
Enter Bethany, sister/victim number 2. Eats coffee bean thinking its coffee. Nearly spits it all over the floor.
Bethany - 'They Arent lollies Gabby!'
Gabby - 'They are lollies to me!'
I love that proud defiance. Too proud to admit that what she thought were lollies, was actually something that tastes like charcoal. And she is only 4!!
Oh, and the other thing? One of the kids stole those coffee beans from Coles thinking they were free. Children are so hella funny.
Random strangers at work tend not to like being told that 'Your just like my girlfriend'.
Especially the guys.
Who would have thought?
ME - 'You know, you would save heaps on those ciggarettes if you bought them at Woolworths'
THEM - 'But then i wouldnt see YOUR lovely face each morning'
ME - 'Thats true, but the old ladies that work there are nice, and at least you'd be hanging around with someone your own age.'
(Removes foot from mouth)
.......... Later that day.
ME - 'As much as im sure you enjoyed your 4WDing experience, driving over our gutters, garden and grass, we actually have a driveway just over there.'
THEM -'really? Oh, its hard to see isnt it.'
ME -'Um... not really... its the big flat thing with cars driving on it'
I saw a newspaper article detailing how every generation gains around 10 - 30 IQ points. Kids really ARE getting smarter. They know how to work more stuff. Usually gameboys and DVD players. And in some cases, fridges, spoons and Jumbo Chocolate Ice-cream containers.
A few hours later i hear a radio news report about a 3yo shooting his 10 year old sister in the stomach with his mothers gun (that was left on the couch). Its time we dumb down the kids. Bring back the hula-hoop. And for the fatties, More Icecream!
I walked away thinking. A 3yo shooting his 10yo sister?
Only in America. Probably somewhere in Texas.
Twice today I have managed to put my underpants on back-the-front. This kind of thing never happens to me. Im totally freaking out. Doctor time.
For those of you who havent read part I, scroll down so you can catch up with the rest of society. Slackers.
For the rest of you... the safe Jammed, no money could get out. Not $5 $10 or $20 notes. We had to take apart the safe to remove a tiny little piece of green blu-tac that was jamming up the whole process.
oops. If I ever catch that monkey... watch out!
Today at work Mr Wonka was walking around the store scaring me. I turned around. WONKA. I walk to the staff only door. WONKA!! Im stacking chips or eating lunch or serving grey haired balding women. WONKA!! WONKA!! WONKA!!
There is no escape from those frightful eyes of Wonka. I cant wait to see the movie. Oh... and here is a phone capture of WONKA!.
To Whom it may concern.
There may or may not be a green ball of blu-tack in the bottom of the smart safe jamming the coin dispenser. You may not be able to get spare $10 and $20 notes for a while.
It seems that some monkey must have accidentally dropped it into the hole at the top of the machine where blu-tack shouldnt really go.
You can't see it, but trust me... its there.
Umm... I have no idea who the culprit is.
Will
P.S. The dipstick for the Smartsafe money dispenser is also broken. Once again, I dont know who did this either.
There is an Old hag I like to call 'The Repco Wench'. She is the rudest pushiest delivery person I have ever had the misfortune of encountering. I try to avoid her. I dont even know if her powers of communication is more complex than a few grunts and scratches of her armpit.
Anyways. This dear old man was having trouble choosing his lunch from our pastry cabinet. He was choosing, the Repco wench was waiting at the counter. Dear old man choosing.... the SHE-WENCH waiting. After about 2 minutes, the old man turns to me, points at the Wench, and says 'I havent decided yet, serve that gentleman there first'.
Ha.
Owned by a senior citizen.
I wonder what line is walked between tolerance and acceptance. I dont believe Christians should go around preaching hate against others. Nor do we accept their view as right...
I think we should just agree to disagree, and get on with the business of Loving others.
There are somethings that will never be explained in my lifetime. They will remain mysteries. The same way its a mystery as to HOW young children manage to fall into toilets, or HOW Big Arnold was elected Govenator of California.
Did you want to hear about my little mystery? Of course you did, otherwise you wouldnt be reading. At work a 45yo man pulls up to the fuel pump in a boxy silver Volvo. Now there should have been alarm bells ringing straight away, an old man in a Volvo doesnt exactly scream 'Hey, im safe, dont worry about me'. It more accurately screams 'Get out of the way dammit or i'll run over your daughters toes and sue you for tyre damage'.
The old Pineapples Volvo is PLASTERED with all manner of safety lights and reflective strips down the side of the doors AND across the back. His car is One Giant Safety vest. Why do you put safety strips on the BACK of a car? Cars usually go forwards. Maybe for this man driving forwards and backwards on freeways are not mutually exclusive.
Its obvious that safety appears to be a priority for this old man.... or Is it?
This next part of the story will be played out in a nursury rhyme. Just to keep the site childish.
This old man,
He played one,
He played 'lets get a ciggarette out and light it and start to smoke it WHILE putting high octane Premium Unleaded petrol into the car.
Dork.
Volvo = safest factory car
... WITH ADDED SAFETY LIGHTS.
And this numb-nuts goes smoking at a petrol pump.
Something tells me those safety strips were a gift from a concerned family member, fearing his uncle pineapple is in danger.
Or are those strips a warning for others? I'll let you decide.
I dont think he bought them himself though.
