…because apparently being a smartass isn't technically a super-power.

Re-building the Life of Such.

So it’s been a while… years in fact since I’ve spent any time here. I used to write everything and anything here… since 2005 this was the weird, wonderful and inconsistently irreverent playground of my mind. And then this year, everything crashed – and was gone.

But I found a text file backup. So stick with me – as I slowly pull my posts back together – from 2005 – 2014.

Nine years of LOS madness.

Bean Counting

Children are such good entertainment value. Except for when they go feral and attack in supermarkets. And even then, if its not your child, and your a safe distance away from the distraught mother, it can be funny.

Not only can they be funny… they can curious and easily mislead and confused as well.

My little four year old sister was climbing in the pantry… literally, feet off the floor, arms stretched, little grubby fingers grasping and tugging at this old plastic bag. She had discovered a secret stash of ‘little chocolate things’… and by ‘discovered’ I mean ‘I told her’ that there was a bag of chocolaty goodness up in the pantry. Where we never keep chocolate.

She seemed a little unsure about these particular chocolate things, as they seemed just a little bit different to all the other chocolate things around the house… She paused, her little eyebrows raised as if she was half expecting ‘the chocolate thing’ to bite her. In the end, her sophisticated child-reasoning intellect prevailed, what the hell, Chocolate is chocolate right?

Mouth opens – Grubby hand goes up – chocolate thing goes down

3 chews. Her face changes. She looks at me. The evil brother that kept encouraging her to eat the ‘chocolate thing’ purely for my own amusement. What did this chocolate bean look like?

A bit like a coffee bean… well, a lot like a coffee bean. It was a coffee bean.

She chews – and starts gagging… she death stares me as she climbs back down from the cupboard…. And then – treachery forgotten, she hopped on her scooter like nothing had ever happened, and rode off into the sunset of the living room.

Enter Bethany, sister/victim number 2. Eats coffee bean thinking it’s chocolate. Spits it all over the floor.

Bethany – ‘They aren’t lollies Gabby!’
Gabby – ‘They are lollies to me!’
I love that proud defiance. Too proud to admit that what she thought were lollies, was actually something that tastes like charcoal. And she is only 4!!

Oh, and the other thing? One of the kids stole those coffee beans from Coles thinking they were free chocolates for kids. Children are so hella funny.

My Mouth words.

ME – ‘You know, you would save heaps on those cigarettes if you bought them at Woolworths’

THEM – ‘But then i wouldn’t see YOUR lovely face each morning’

ME – ‘That is true, but the old ladies that work there are nice, and at least you’d be hanging around with someone your own age.’

(Removes foot from mouth)
………. Later that day.

ME – ‘As much as I’m sure you enjoyed your 4WDing experience, driving over our gutters, garden and grass, we actually have a driveway just over there.’

THEM -’really? Oh, its hard to see isn’t it.’

ME -’Um… not really… its the big flat thing with cars driving on it’

Only in America.

I read a newspaper article today detailing how every successive generation gains around 10 – 30 IQ points over the generation previous. It’s official, the kids really ARE getting smarter. They know how to work more stuff. Sure, usually this is useless crap like Nintendo Gameboys and DVD players. Sometimes it’s useful like a high chair, a Freezer door a handful of spoons and that special container of Blue Ribbon ice cream that daddy keeps for mummy to get ‘special cuddles’.

A few hours later I hear a radio news report about a 3 year old boy shooting his 10 year old sister in the stomach with his mothers gun (that was left on the couch). Now – I’m not one for panic – but when a three year old works out how to use a firearm against his sister to get more ice cream, I say it’s time we dumb down the kids.

Seriously. A 3 year old shooting his 10 year old sister?

Only in America. Probably somewhere in Texas.

The Monday letters Part II

For those of you who haven’t read part I, scroll down so you can catch up with the rest of society. Also spend more time online. Slackers.

For the rest of you… the money dispensing safe Jammed today… we couldn’t get any cash out for about 3 hours. A specialist was called in to take apart the safe to remove a tiny little piece of green blu-tac that was jamming up the whole process.

oops. I swear I don’t know how they got in there!

The Monday letters.

To Whom it may concern.

There may or may not be an oversized green ball of blu-tack in the bottom of the smart safe jamming the coin dispenser. You may not be able to get spare $10 and $20 notes for a while. Maybe never.

It seems that some monkey must have accidentally dropped it into the hole at the top of the machine where blu-tack shouldn’t really go. It’s sometimes better to not ask too many questions as to how it got there.

You can’t see it, but trust me… its there.

Umm… I have no idea who the culprit is.


P.S. The dipstick for the Smartsafe money dispenser is also broken. It snapped – those things aren’t as strong as they look. Also –  I don’t know who did this either.

Mrs Man the Repco Wench.

There is an Old hag I like to call ‘The Repco Wench’ who comes to work. She is the rudest pushiest delivery person I have ever had the misfortune of encountering. I try to avoid her. I don’t even know if her powers of communication are any more complex than a few grunts and scratches of her armpit.

Anyways. This dear old man was having trouble choosing his lunch from our pastry cabinet. While he was choosing between an apple turnover or the berry Danish, the Repco wench was waiting at the counter…. tapping her fingers impatiently.

Apple turnover, berry danish… hmm. Decisions decisions. All the while the SHE-WENCH is standing at the counter – glaring & waiting. After about 2 minutes, the old man turns to me, points at the Wench, and says:

‘I’m terribly sorry I haven’t decided yet, serve that gentleman there first’.

Owned by a senior citizen. Best day ever.

Christian tolerance…

I wonder what line is walked between tolerance and acceptance. I don’t believe Christians should go around preaching hate against others. Nor should one accept their view as right…

I think we should just agree to disagree, and get on with the business of Loving people.